Friday, December 11, 2009

Paranoia

        My sweetheart loves me so much and he always show it by keeping his promises to me. He always find time to be with me during weekends and holidays. He always make sure to spend every dinner with me after work. And if he cannot, he will inform me that he's going out with friends. But he still make sure to call or send me messages during his time with friends to check if how am I spending my "me time" at home (which is everyday). He hangs out with friends once or twice a week only to have beers together and discuss about their fantasy football or baseball. He goes to work before seven in the morning and will go home at four o' clock in the afternoon. 






        One day morning, I was curious about him. I looked at his laptop and began to turn it on. I asked myself "What am I doing?". But then, the naughty side of me wondered that he might hiding something from me. I was really nervous to invade his privacy but I only wanna know if he's really sincere about his words and actions on me. It was easy to open his email accounts and other stuff because he saved his password. Then, I logged in to his facebook account... I saw a young lady there about 23 years old saying hi to him, with flirty pictures of her like seducing him. I was so sure that he did not check his facebook acccount that day because he was busy. I deleted the message and began to explore the identity of that girl. I copied her email address and checked on friendster and even google her name. I found out that this girl is a teacher from the Philippines. They became friends via dating site which made me paranoid. He visited this girl before in the Philippines. I also caught the same girl sending messages thru yahoo messenger.

        I made a plan so this young girl will stop flirting with my sweetheart. I went online to my facebook account to send her a friend request there. The following day, she accepted it. I asked her to be my neighbor (online) on Farmville and Yoville (famous online games on Facebook). But she was not always online. I went back to my sweetie's facebook account to check if she's posting a flirty message again to him. I was surprised she has never updated her status there (laughs). I just laughed and smile that day. I began to check his profile pictures and I felt so guilty that I saw my two pictures posted there. I thought I was not that important to him. I was really wrong... I was just paranoid. Or maybe I am just afraid of losing him. We sometimes doubt our loved-ones' feelings on us but did we ask ourselves if we truly love them? I felt like I was slapped on my face because I was the one loving him less. Such paranoia should never happened for he is a loving and caring man. It is so unfair not to trust him. I hated myself for spying on him.

       There is one quote that inspire me that day from my favorite author, Helen Keller.
"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."

        I was afraid of losing him... but that fear has something to do with my past. I must let go of it so I could continue to live my life of happiness with him. Free myself from worries of the past for this is a new beginning. A new life for me.

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